Stop to Think

I stare across the room and pin point in on the small yellow dot, the dot expands and explodes, the color fills the room, the sunrise wakes me out of my daze. I can now see the whole room around me, the room that was once hidden by distraction, by selfish desire. Suddenly life seems so much larger. So I ask myself why? Why do I write? I write to free myself, to understand myself, to express myself, to share myself. The sun has now begun to set and the small yellow dot that once showed me the rest of the room, the rest of life, has now dropped into the sea forming small ripples which will turn into the waves that will crash over my feet, and shape the sand that surrounds me. Will I too be shaped, changed? 

Easter

I travel down the long dark all to familiar road once again. As I weave in and out of each lane trying to return home before the stroke of 11, I stop to think about the day which is about to come to a close, Easter. This day often characterized by young children running around searching for the easter eggs that have been hidden. They wear pastel colored dresses and slacks put on for an over crowded church service they attended earlier in the day. This is the Easter I once knew to exist, however as I sit at my grandma's table I notice some empty seats. No longer do I see my grandpa, my father, my best friend, a piece of me. I'm so tired, I'm tired of carrying all this guilt I'm tired of thinking I'm not good enough, I'm tired of thinking of failed relationships, I'm tired of beating myself up over the past, the what ifs of life. And thats just it, I don't have to carry this baggage, I don't have to because of this day called Easter. Someone loved me before I even knew who they were, they loved me for me, the me with all my imperfections, they loved me enough to sacrifice himself, to carry all my baggage for me, for you, for all of us, the baggage that we thought was to heavy to be carried. He took it, conquered and rose, so I could have this day called Easter. For this I take a deep breath let go and trust you with my life. 

Who Is Yet To Be

Face down my body lies motionless, but my mind runs ramped. Addiction digs its claws through my side trying to pull me towards my demise. Through the urge I see You. You come in many ways, many forms but none like this before. I peer into your face I lift you close to me. I cradle you in my arms, You stare back deep into my eyes, as to say you helped create me, I am a part of you. And it is because of you, the one that has yet to be born, that I will stay clean. Lord continue to give me the strength to fight so that I may continue to live. 

Voice of Reason

The folded paper, slips out of my hand as the wind picks up. It floats across the stage and down the stairs where it rests, waiting to be found waiting to be opened. I sit and day dream about things that have yet to happen, people whom I have yet to understand, conversations that have not occurred. I think of your voice, as it moves from your lips into the microphone, as it projects into the hearts of others, as it rests inside their hearts as it does mine. A seed has been planted I impatiently wait to discover what will grow, but I know I must not rush this, I must wait, I must seek what is right, what is pure, what is truth. So until the first fruit is bore, I will wait, I will day dream.

To Late

I call but it's to late. Now I find myself jumbling my words on a voice recording. Why was it so hard to call? If I am honest, and I hate to admit it, its the past, the past that won't let go. The past whispers her deceptive lies in my ear. She tells me I'm not good enough, you will surely be rejected. Oh how I hate rejection, the truth is I have never fallen so hard, I can honestly say that never ever have I felt this way. But it is the fear that holds me here, stuck, frozen in time. When will I be thawed, When will I be healed, When will I be accepted for who I am, uniquely imperfect? As I wait I peer into the sky up above, through the clouds I search for your face, eagerly awaiting an answer. Then the words come, spoken softly at first then they erupt, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saves a wretch like me, I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind, but now I see". As the wind picks up the blades of grass nod in agreement to the words just sung. 

Blessed

I am unraveling, unbearably empty and if this ground gives way I just hope that you catch me. Your words come down placing your hands on my shoulders and let me know you were there. You came and saved me tonight saving all my life. Blessed am I that you have never left me. Blessed am I that you continue to love me, even when my evil desires turn to sin and my sin turns me cold. Blessed am I that you picked me up off the ground,  that you warmed my heart, that you made me ready. I'm ready to persevere, I'm ready to receive your promise. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Humbled

You can find me in the back. In front of me stands a large black table. On that table lies a group of pictures. Each picture tells an individual's story, the beginning, that has yet to be finished. One by one they approach the table. Each spoken to in a unique way, each demonstrating obedience to a calling greater then their own.  They thumb through the photos and read each beginning, how might the end be written they must wonder to themselves. Little do they know the end has already been written and they have helped write it, in His love.  As the music plays in the back drop I fight the tears that want to fall, tears not of pain, for I have been humbled. I write these words now, to preserve a feeling, a feeling I hope shall never be lost. May I continue to understand what it means to be humbled. 

Honestly

The young children splash cheerfully in the water as they enjoy the evening in the pool with their parents and grandma. I can't help help but think this is where I ought to be. Only if I were strong enough, only if I were the man I wanted to be, The man I am.  A man that has accepted who he is and not what he hoped he was. Would we be living separate lives now, would you have continued to trust me, continued to respect me? I contemplate back and forth, blaming you and harboring anger, blaming myself and wondering what would have been. I want neither of these. I know I will survive and move on. But when, But when? Just as soon as the question enters my mind the answer meets my eyes, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, ad the wisdom to know the difference."

A Revisited Memory

I walk up the steps and enter the balcony, I glare at the image in the mirror, who is this I see?  Who have I become? The face I see has endured so much over the past years, As I look deep into his eyes I see the pain although now deadened, still pain. Can this be replaced? Anger tries to slip in, your letters from long ago try and fill the void but only remind me that losing you, the only one whose ever known who I am, whom I'm not, and who I want to be is now gone. You are now gone. I walk down the steps, I walk away from my reflection. Its easy to say, yet so hard to do, but I just have to walk away, I must walk away. With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?  

A Boys Love

The young boy stands still as the world moves around him. The cities busy traffic, the nights bright lights, the harsh stares, the loving eyes, all of life continues to move forward. His past rolls through his mind like clips from a movie reel, each encounter he has had, each person he has shared life with, each person he loved, and all whom he let love him. To him people matter. As the boy stands still his surrounds change, his appearance changes, however one thing remains constant. The boys love for people, the boy refuses to give up love, because Love refuses to give him up, because Love came back for him.

Open to Answer

There has to be more, I have always known there has to be more, I have felt it. Life is more then just a routine, I refuse to be complacent. Each joy must be celebrated, but why is it I feel it is important that we embrace the pain we feel, to really understand it. Why? Why must we go through this grievance, this suffering?  Because it is said that, "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because He has poured out his love into our hearts, by the Spirit whom he has given us." And so it happened at just the right time, the perfect time, the only time, His time. Could it have been that this feeling was not just a feeling, but so much more, perhaps a Spirit one connected to those words just spoken, one that has grabbed my life and never let go, one that grabs yours, one that waits to be grabbed. 

How Do I Say Thank You

As the words scroll down the screen my voice utters out words to you, until the display projects, "your grace has overcome my brokenness" at that moment no words come, instead a tear, a single tear is shed, for you cease to amaze me. I am constantly blown away by your perfection, your love, your life. You give and give when I am to selfish to sacrifice just a little. How do I say Thank you?I smile as the piano plays in the background, I can't believe everything that has happened to me, I take a deep breath in, I breath it all in. Where would I be without you? You are the hope that I breath in, you are the everything, everything good in my life. You are, You are everything. Thank you.

A Mothers Love

As the song plays over the radio it takes me back to a time when I felt safe. When a mothers loving voice was enough to provide me the peace to know everything was going to be okay. She would whisper softly, "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine" and as she finished with, "please don't take my sunshine away", I knew from the slight tremble in the tone of her voice that if anything ever happened to me, her heart would be broken. Every heart break every pain I feel she feels, Every joy every piece of happiness she feels. A mother's love will never be forgotten, will never go unappreciated, will never disappear. As the young boy you created turns into the man you hoped he'd become, he realizes those words you said, the feelings you have are so much more, a teaching, a lesson in life, an expression of  HIS love. Thank You.

The Calling

I was lost and you found me. I was laying here in abandonment and you picked me up and carried me. You opened my eyes, opened my eyes to you, to the simpleness, to the truth. You call me to a far away land to a place I don't understand. You engage me into simple conversation, because you care, because each life matters.  Why is it the more I see you the more I love her?  Make less of me in order to make more of you and complete what you have designed. I may not understand the path set forth, but I do understand the outcome, with this I am okay. I will be okay. 

Love is Blind

Love is blind. A statement often said but rarely understood. Its been so long since I have seen clearly, even now writing these words I can't help but think of you. My mind takes me back next to you with my fingers running through your hair and down your arm till my hand grasps yours. It takes me back to the feeling of our lips meeting, the look in your eyes when you saw me, really saw me. My blindness refuses to see, it refuses to surrender. Its time for healing, time to move on, time to fix what been broken to long. Peal away the scab, the scar has set, open your eyes its time to see.

Will I

I wander into the future, I ponder on its possibilities. I reflect on the past the good times, the fun times, the heart aches, the low points. A question comes to mind, was I really known? Did these people around me really understand what drove me, where my passion lay? In a world of limitless possibility, will I rise to become what I am, will I break the cycle of norm and step onto the path less traveled, will I arise to pursue my destiny?

Forgetting in order to Remember

The boy walks through the crowded terminal looking around hoping to find you, hoping you changed your mind, hoping that the pain felt before could be resolved with just one look, one touch, one action that shows you really care, that would erase all the pain. Much like that hot day in July, your not there. Did you really ever love me? Pain, the hurt inside, the ache that makes the nights restless. Hope, the feeling of knowing this isn't it, that there is more. Why is it that we must experience pain to truly comprehend hope? I must give up these memories to remember a destiny, my destiny.

Desiring more

They take shape as they form the contour of the skin and roll down each check emerging from the eyes that were once blind, but are now opened. The road has been so long, so confusing, it has been filled with much hurt and few joys. It has given glimpses of hope none understood till now. Now it is clear the path chosen is of no coincidence, it is yours just as each strand of hair is unique to you. The end has been revealed you have found your way home because you chose to live, you chose to live to make a difference to be used to give what is not from you but apart of you. To desire more, more, more.....

Starting Over Again

I sit at the table and peer out the window as I try to wrap the words that flow out of the speaker around in my mind. Rain begins to fall in a city I once knew, a city I once grew in. But now things have changed and its time to depart on another journey, time to start over again, just me and you. You whisper me words of encouragement, "you don't know what lies ahead for tomorrow, or the next day, so cherish each day, each hour, each moment. Love as I loved, give yourself as I gave and feel my joy come alive inside you.

Moments of Simplicity

The sunset on a brisk evening painted so clearly by the thin layer of cloud that surrounds it, outlined by the rainforest that pushes up towards the sky and beyond it. It puts the mind at ease, it relaxes the heart and brings you back to a time, a moment of simplicity, a feeling of peace, like laying next to a loved one one encompassed with comfort and content. Can anyone else see it?