Christmas Past

Sitting on the back porch before all have awoke, I find peace in the coldness that ushers its way through the screen door. I find myself reflecting on where I was a year ago, who I was, and wondering if any changes have been made. As I take a sip the warmness moves down my throat and takes rest inside me. You say by standing firm you will gain life. I don't know for how long, but for now those words will permeate in my mind, hoping they will move their way into my heart, so the who I am now may be different from the who I am a year from now.

Stoplight Memories

Stopped at the light the cars pass by followed by the memories. The memories are the last of what I have of you, what I wish I could forget, but what I fear will never leave. What was once taken for granted is missed the most. What was once felt for you, you feel for someone else, and that someone else feels for yet another. The heart is confused and knows not where to turn, hurt in the past and fearful of the future, wanting to be loved and yet guarded so that it can't.

How Can You Feel Anymore

Sometimes when the moment is just right, I close my eyes and can see myself drifting away, separating from this body, The body that I've spent so much time maintaining, the body that I am never satisfied with. I can see my body like roots withering away and what is unleashed is something special, something real, something true. It's me. The me that never wanted to harm or hurt you, the me who wants nothing more to love and be loved.

Dark Wave

Wrapped up the softness of the beds suede comforter protects me from the coldness of the blowing fan. Darkness surrounds me, I envision myself at the bottom of the ocean after being taken under by a giant wave. I wrestle with what is reality and with what I want reality to be. I'm not sure I want to go back. Don't turn on the light, can't I just stay here a little longer.

Incomplete Thoughts From An Incomplete Man

I pick up this pen and the ink hits the paper, not because I have anything to write, but because I must write everything. As I look around I see the the steam rise over a vast field during a hot summer day, straight ahead I find a sunset spreading what's left of its rays across the vast ocean. And still surround by all this beauty I find myself wondering why I feel incomplete. Its not until I let go of myself that these mere pictures hanging on the walls can take on their true shape and meaning. It's not until I give up those wants that I can truly live.

Saturday Afternoon

My feet are tired, I have been wandering for a long time. A few years here, a couple more there, I have never seemed to find home. I sit down now reclined in this soft chair and run my fingers down its armrest as the music echos in the background. My senses are awakened as the aroma of freshly ground coffee escapes behind the counter and out the open door into the busy street, where the palm fronds wave back to me. Some people find beauty in music, some in perfectly painted landscapes, others in well constructed words, but me I find it in people. Not that I don't find beauty in all the above mentioned, cause I do. I just tend to agree with what lead me to spirituality. The desire to believe I was human and that by being human mattered.

Take Off

Take off, we rise. I slip my headphones in and I begin to drift away. The music begins to flow into my ears as my head nods in agreement to the words being sang. I smile when I think of You and how You loved me before I did anything, before I was. Not because of the way I make you feel, but because of who I am and who You are.

7 mile Sunday

The alarm goes off, I awake fatigued. The nights sleep was not sleep at all but a battle in the mind. Empty I awake, fullness is what I search for. I slip the shoes on, as each foot hits the pavement my mind wanders to ease the bodies pain. Where am I going? The path is familiar cause I have traveled it many times before. Sometimes with You sometimes without. Confused I think about last night and wonder what I gave up and what could have been. I have to keep running, faster, so I don't think about the past. As my feet stop moving you tap me on the arm and remind me why I am here, why I am doing what I do, and why I must continue on. Stay strong you say and I reply always.

Thankful

How I am thankful, so very thankful. For You have transformed me, you continually change me. You faithfully chip away hardened deposits of pain and remorse that surround this heart. Because of grace I am beginning to understand, I am able to forgive and be forgiven. You draw me closer to You, closer to understanding.

Are You Ready

Are you ready? Who defines you, who you are, how you feel, how you respond? Deep down lies a desire to be understood, to be known, to be significant. Where does this come from, are they just burning desires of the heart, or a simple confusion of the mind, or much more? Is there a clear cut path to understanding, or can these answers even be answered with knowledge alone? They are all around us, those who think these feelings should be filtered, sometimes suppressed or maybe even ignored. If this is done are you being true to yourself or are you just disregarding what you might not fully understand or want to understand? What is preventing you from searching for your identity, from finding your potential? Are you ready yet?

Day Dream

Sitting on the bench, body fatigued, mind wandering, the scene appears. You approach, noses so close they almost touch, time freezes, background blurs, its just you and me. But this is only for a moment a brief moment. Time has now resumed and we begin to drift apart. I reach out and you follow, our fingers try an meet but they never do. The world has pulled us apart it has called this separation to occur. Back to reality, I stare in the mirror and try to understand, will we meet again, will it last.

Communion

Drained I enter and sit down. It is not long before the words flow and meet me only where You can go, deep inside. I wait until everyone has gone to meet you at the table. I reach into the bowl and am drawn to the piece that is twisted, that is bent, that is not perfect. As I dip the piece it becomes covered, the imperfections can no longer be seen and I begin to be filled. The music starts and begins to flow through my veins which pumps out into my body to send me this feeling of euphoria I now write about. The Spirit has now taken control of my body and the words begin to flow out. The singing turns into a smile, a smile which has been long awaited.

Trust in Me

Do you trust in me? Have I not supplied you with the clothes that now cover your back. Have I not rescued you time and time again, when you laid ashamed with your head faced down towards the ground. So why now do you think I am not big enough? How easily you forget how big I really am, what I have taken you from and where I plan for you to go. Trust Me.

Why Can't I Let You Go

My hand reaches out but you are no longer there, my heart searches for its missing piece. Thoughts of hope run in my head, what I would give for one moment with you, for a day where our past was wiped clean where our hearts where let free, just you and me. Or am I just scared am I scared of knowing someone more then you, allowing someone to know more then you. Is it that I am scared to just let go.

The Way

Shutting my eyes the piano plays the background music in my mind. I walk the streets, but they have changed, the people are moving in all different directions. I continue in the same direction, the same path, but as I turn the page the next looks nothing like the last, which differs from the very first. Ever since I met You I was changed my life took on a direction. So tonight I am thankful, so very thankful for You.

Goddaughter

Seven months ago I sat at a table with you for the first time, I couldn't see but you were there, Seven hours ago I saw you for the first time when you entered this world weighing seven pounds and some odd ounces. Eyes clinched shut you searched for a voice, so I let my voice find you. Arms flaying you aimlessly grasped, so I let you cling onto my finger. You are so beautiful, so uniquely perfect.

A Refresher

Its been a long time since I sat in the quietness. It is only now that I am allowing my true senses a chance to take over. The pen glides across the paper as the words flow from thought, shadows reach across the tile floor as a ray of sunlight seeps in. My toes are kept warm by my long haired companion, who lays asleep on the floor. Where has it gone, what has it been used for. I ask this about time, about life.

The Best Feeling

I must pursue. My mind races sending a signal to my heart which begins to beat faster. I pursue, I will go, I am excited about the adventure that lies ahead of me. You have broken the chains, You have unleashed this wild heart, this heart that yearns for meaning, for adventure, that has a desire that can only be quenched by You and You alone. 

Forever Changed

I was taken to Haiti to learn not what I thought I might learn or how I thought I might learn it. When a young orphan takes your hand and smiles, when they stay by your side the whole day walking barefooted next to you never once complaining only looking into your eyes with complete trust, complete happiness. This is where Love can be found this is what Love looks like, to be without and be complete to not have yet have so much more. These are God's children. I will not leave you here, I will slumber no longer. I have been awakened to your design. You have molded me to whom I am in all my uniqueness. I rise to your call to your purpose.

Fairwell

I hope out of bed to say the morning goodbyes, a handshake followed by a hug. A few words of encouragement and then they are off. Not many words may have been spoken this week, but a bond most won't understand was formed. For this I am thankful.