Voice of Reason

The folded paper, slips out of my hand as the wind picks up. It floats across the stage and down the stairs where it rests, waiting to be found waiting to be opened. I sit and day dream about things that have yet to happen, people whom I have yet to understand, conversations that have not occurred. I think of your voice, as it moves from your lips into the microphone, as it projects into the hearts of others, as it rests inside their hearts as it does mine. A seed has been planted I impatiently wait to discover what will grow, but I know I must not rush this, I must wait, I must seek what is right, what is pure, what is truth. So until the first fruit is bore, I will wait, I will day dream.

To Late

I call but it's to late. Now I find myself jumbling my words on a voice recording. Why was it so hard to call? If I am honest, and I hate to admit it, its the past, the past that won't let go. The past whispers her deceptive lies in my ear. She tells me I'm not good enough, you will surely be rejected. Oh how I hate rejection, the truth is I have never fallen so hard, I can honestly say that never ever have I felt this way. But it is the fear that holds me here, stuck, frozen in time. When will I be thawed, When will I be healed, When will I be accepted for who I am, uniquely imperfect? As I wait I peer into the sky up above, through the clouds I search for your face, eagerly awaiting an answer. Then the words come, spoken softly at first then they erupt, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saves a wretch like me, I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind, but now I see". As the wind picks up the blades of grass nod in agreement to the words just sung. 

Blessed

I am unraveling, unbearably empty and if this ground gives way I just hope that you catch me. Your words come down placing your hands on my shoulders and let me know you were there. You came and saved me tonight saving all my life. Blessed am I that you have never left me. Blessed am I that you continue to love me, even when my evil desires turn to sin and my sin turns me cold. Blessed am I that you picked me up off the ground,  that you warmed my heart, that you made me ready. I'm ready to persevere, I'm ready to receive your promise. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Humbled

You can find me in the back. In front of me stands a large black table. On that table lies a group of pictures. Each picture tells an individual's story, the beginning, that has yet to be finished. One by one they approach the table. Each spoken to in a unique way, each demonstrating obedience to a calling greater then their own.  They thumb through the photos and read each beginning, how might the end be written they must wonder to themselves. Little do they know the end has already been written and they have helped write it, in His love.  As the music plays in the back drop I fight the tears that want to fall, tears not of pain, for I have been humbled. I write these words now, to preserve a feeling, a feeling I hope shall never be lost. May I continue to understand what it means to be humbled. 

Honestly

The young children splash cheerfully in the water as they enjoy the evening in the pool with their parents and grandma. I can't help help but think this is where I ought to be. Only if I were strong enough, only if I were the man I wanted to be, The man I am.  A man that has accepted who he is and not what he hoped he was. Would we be living separate lives now, would you have continued to trust me, continued to respect me? I contemplate back and forth, blaming you and harboring anger, blaming myself and wondering what would have been. I want neither of these. I know I will survive and move on. But when, But when? Just as soon as the question enters my mind the answer meets my eyes, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, ad the wisdom to know the difference."

A Revisited Memory

I walk up the steps and enter the balcony, I glare at the image in the mirror, who is this I see?  Who have I become? The face I see has endured so much over the past years, As I look deep into his eyes I see the pain although now deadened, still pain. Can this be replaced? Anger tries to slip in, your letters from long ago try and fill the void but only remind me that losing you, the only one whose ever known who I am, whom I'm not, and who I want to be is now gone. You are now gone. I walk down the steps, I walk away from my reflection. Its easy to say, yet so hard to do, but I just have to walk away, I must walk away. With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?